Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
