It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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