i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
