hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
