3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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