She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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