I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
