took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
