If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
