Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
