he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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