Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
