too bad you live with your parents still
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
