I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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