i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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