you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
