i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
