??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
