I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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