Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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