so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
