I wanna passion pit in your ass
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
