Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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