I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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