and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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