normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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