The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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