My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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