Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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