I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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