there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
