K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
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