He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
