I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
