Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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