1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
