he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
