sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
