My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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