come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
