So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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