it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
