I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
