a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
