I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
