I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
