I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
