The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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