i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
