She is in my trunk
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
